Filling the void with food: Why emotional eating is a thing
“Comfort food is hearty. When hearts are heavy, they need gravitational and emotional equilibrium… food that reassures us that we will survive.”
Sarah Ban Breathnach
With the beginning of the Fall right around the corner and schools resuming, this is a time of transitions and new beginnings. Especially for those of us who have children going back to school, from the little ones to those in the college years. But even if you are not impacted by schools going back into session, Labor Day, which is just a few days away symbolizes the end of the summer and the beginnings of the Fall, with its more structured routines and activities.
Oftentimes transitions, change, endings, and new beginnings play a significant role on our emotional eating. This kind of makes sense, right? Changes tend to bring about new emotions, different emotions, perhaps stronger emotions. And when this happens, we may emotionally eat, or in other words, we may feel we need (or want) to turn to food as an extra source of support, kind of as a companion.
Let’s go along for a moment with the example of our children leaving for school— be if from our little ones starting school for the first time, all the way to our older ones going back to college. We love them to pieces, we spent time together during summer and then it is time to go back to the Fall routine, and they have to leave.. We LOVE to see them realizing the potential, yet we may also FEEL a void inside, especially those first days.
Our attempts to fill a void with food
Needless to say, more significant transitions may bring about feelings of emptiness inside, even if these feelings are not permanent. A heartbreak. A separation. A big move. A loss of a loved one. Retirement. Any experience involving changes, transitions, and adjustments may trigger these type of sensations—powerful feelings being triggered that food helps us navigate.
There is no shame if feeling a void. But you may still ask, what is a void, really? Emotionally speaking, a void is completely empty space. Have you ever felt a sense of emptiness inside that was hard to swallow (pun intended :)? Sometimes we feel a void related to a circumscribed part of our lives, for example, related to a goal or a dream we used to have that we have not been able to fulfill or make any headway on. We may be content with significant parts of our lives, such as our family life, yet we feel a void or a longing when we reflect on aspects related to career or academic pursuits we once had. Or the other way around. We may be so proud of how our career is unfolding, yet we long for more personal connection.
Perhaps it is a small void. Perhaps a bigger void. At times that void feels SO uncomfortable that we feel we need to FILL it. With something.
Who can blame us?
No one. When we feel a void, even if we do not have the language for it, it feels unsettling. It often triggers angst and/ or other feelings— longing, sadness, and existential reflection. And so, it is only natural that we do things to fill this void, intentionally or unintentionally. Food lends itself so well to help us fill that void; for a brief moment, we feel relief. Emotions are less poignant. Less acute. More tolerable. Less pressure in our hearts. Food can be a great companion in the moment. We are suddenly not “alone” anymore. Emotional eating takes the edge off of the discomfort, the pain, the anxiety that the void inside brings about.
You may relate with eating to fill a small or perhaps a more significant void. Coming home after a long day to an empty home –if that is not what you want—may trigger feelings of loneliness or emptiness—in other words, a void. The house quiet because the kids left.. it feel glorious on one hand yet we may also feel a bit of a void inside. They fill our lives so much! Or, we may feel a void after a significant achievement that we worked so hard for. We may experience the, “And now what?” feeling. Having a specific, relatively hard goal kept us focused and now that we accomplished it we may feel unclear about what lies ahead for us, with some uncertainty or unpredictability emerging in our minds as we are less clear about our next steps. Unconsciously relying on food to manage all these emotions is not uncommon.
These examples are instance in which feeling overwhelmed by an emotion (be it anxiety or sadness or hurt or any other) or the sensation of feeling a void inside we turn to food because food is soothing. Because food provides some relief to our otherwise intolerable feelings. And that is ok. I am not going the be the one telling you to go for a walk instead : ) You know why? Because if you could do just that (or something similar), you would have done it a long time ago. It is not as easy. Trying to gradually rely less on a coping mechanism is sort of an art. Yet I firmly believe is an attainable goal if we are willing to do the hard work of introspection and put the time and energy into beginning to craft a new path for ourselves.
So, the big question becomes..
What are we to do when we feel these unsettling feelings coming up that usually lead us to emotionally eat?
And I know you may be surprised by this answer..
We honor the feelings we are feeling inside. The emptiness. The void. The angst. The longing. The sadness. All of them. Each and every one of our feelings we honor. We make a space for them. We welcome them. We befriend them.
I know that for many of us, this would require a mindset shift. I have heard people say, “Why on earth would we welcome and honor feelings that are painful? that makes us feel bad?” And these are great questions—which have a philosophical subtext.
My view on that matter is that the feelings are there anyway—we gain nothing by trying to push them away, numb them, try to forget them, or avoid them. I hear you—it is not that you have to especially engage with the feeling if that is not what you feel inclined to do. Yet you can still honor, witness, make a space, and allow the feeling to run its course.
There is power in being present with our feelings
In not avoiding them. Of course, it is only human to want to avoid painful feelings. Difficult feelings. Overwhelming feelings. None of us want to experience pain. Yet, there is wisdom in “meeting” every feeling as it comes, without the need to oppose any resistance to it, trying to quickly change it, or make a case for why we shouldn’t feel the way we do.
Acceptance of “what is” (in other words, of any and all feelings) is such a powerful stance... yet not simple to master at all. Accepting our thoughts and feelings does not mean that we do not work toward changing the circumstances in our lives that may contribute to these feeling— if that is what we feel inclined to do. It means that, once we have a feeling, we start by accepting it –we accept that the feeling is there—and only then work toward anything that we feel called to work on to alleviate the feeling.
Is it really possible..
too navigate emotions differently
but without a sense of deprivation?
I invite you to try the following (or any version of the following that you adapt to your needs):
Every time you realize you are feeling any uncomfortable feeling, either a void, emptiness, sadness, loneliness, etc. and you feel compelled to eat…
1) Just notice for a moment the feeling you are experiencing. Witness the feeling. Acknowledge the feeling. Name the feeling (silently to yourself).
2) Assure yourself that you can always eat later. Food will be there. Remind yourself that there is wisdom in encountering feelings as they are, as we are, without having food as a “numbing agent.”
3) If you have to eat something, give yourself the gift of a few minutes to take care of yourself. Prepare your favorite tea (coffee, iced drink, smoothie, you name it). If you want to chew on something, make an intentional choice of which food you will you will select, preferably choosing a food that supports the path you are wanting to take (i.e., not super unhealthy).
4) Journal for 5 minutes (or more) if you have the time. There are no strict guidelines about journaling. Just take a moment to write down all that is coming up for you in that moment, using the journal as a metaphor for putting somewhere else (in our journal or notebook) all what you are feeling and thinking on the inside.
5) Engage your senses: spend 5 minutes (or more) doing something that engagers the body. It can be a few of your favorite yoga poses, or a few stretches, or spreading your favorite lotion on your hands and feeling the sensation it evokes, take a pleasurable long bath, perhaps with soft music and aromatherapy (if you are into that). The purpose of this step is for your body to have a small experience of being engaged in ways that feel good without necessarily using food or over-relying on it.
6) If the impulse of eating something right now comes back, feel free to eat it. We can gently remind ourselves that if we really want it and feel we cannot wait, we can always go and eat any food we’d like. This path is not about deprivation. It is about finding new ways of navigating our emotions that rely less on food and that are sustainable over time.
Curious to know more?
Take the quiz to begin your journey!
It will help you identify your main emotional eating triggers as well as provide opportunities for insights, resources, and tips to come your way. This quiz will help you to continue deepening your understanding of yourself in this area, which is an essential part of this journey. See you there!
What is your #1 emotional eating trigger?
To FEELing instead of FILLing,
Claudia